Jericho and Stratuspatra
by Rocket-Strife
Summary: (AU) Chyna, Hunter and Jericho rule Rome as a Triumvirate, but the reanimation a of long dead addict sidekick and Jericho's general girlishness will put the Empire in jeopardy. (Work in Progress)
1. Triumvirate

Jericho and Stratuspatra; A Chyna WP Universe Epic.  
  
Ownership Disclaimer: All Characters here belong to WWE, Titan Sports, Vince, or whoever the hell runs WWE now. I only used to watch it when it was watchable.  
  
Rating: R for naughty language, drug use, catty violence, etc. etc.  
  
Timeline: Set two years after 'The Final Saga'.  
  
***  
  
In a time of ancient gods, warlords and kings, a land in turmoil cried out for a hero. She was Chyna, a mighty Roman Empress Warrior Princess thingie forged in the heat of low blows, drugs and alcoholic beverages. The power, the passion, the danger...her courage will rule the world.  
  
As you might remember from Chyna's final great adventure, the Warrior Princess hooked up with Chris Jericho to become the Empress of Rome...in Thrace, regained Hunter as her sidekick, became the champion of the Cult of HBK and lost the Henbane head Kitty to her arch rival Trish Stratus. Are the adventures over? Well, probably.  
  
Chyna growled menacingly as she rolled onto her stomach, off the blankets and into the cold marble floor. The repeated sharp rapping on the doors of the Senate was very overwhelming at two in the morning, and reaching for her half empty wine skin, she staggered half assed to her feet.  
  
"Coming!" She yawned, dragging her feet across the room and chugging some of the room temperature liquid. Wrenching the door open, she eyed Kurt Angleus Maximus dangerously. The centurion shuddered - that was the look that usually came before a low blow. Her words came in a slur. "Washa want Jerky?"  
  
Hunter stared at them both from his comfy spot in the blankets. "Mind keeping it down? Dammit, I just got to sleep!" He rose and managed to find a Henbane joint. "Eh, better start where I left off then."  
  
"I demand the immediate presence of the empress!" Kurt said, making sure to speak over Hunter's sleep and drug induced drawl. Chyna rolled her eyes.  
  
"Empresses are so passe. Last night I decided that Rome shall be ruled by a triumvirthingie."  
  
"Triumvirate." Hunter corrected. Chyna shrugged.  
  
"Whatever."  
  
"A Triumvirate?" Kurt demanded. "You can't start a Triumvirate!"  
  
"I can do anything I want!" Chyna snapped, moving her muscular forearm in a very suggestive, thrusting manner. Kurt paled, and Hunter rolled his eyes back like the Undertaker just to freak everyone out. "Hunter, Jericho and I are the Triumvirthingie. And seeming Jericho is in Egypt, I take his piece of the pie, so respect my friggen authority. Are we clear, Jerky?!"  
  
Kurt pouted. "Do you think the Triumvirate could see to tidying the senate a tad? The way you've got this place - it's just not cool!"  
  
The Senate was filthy. The once sparkling marble floors were now so littered with empty Steveweisers, wineskins and general filth it was now impossible to see it. Cockroaches had began emigrating to avoid the place. Chyna shrugged, pulled an ancient joint from behind her ear, lit it off a nearby torch and inhaled deeply.   
  
"Sorry, no can do. We're not a Triumvirate today."  
  
"Jericho has gone waltzing up the Nile, 'member?" Hunter said sleepily from his blankets, a torrent of drool breaking free and pooling on the floor. Chyna scrunched her nose in distaste, but continued to watch with a sort of aberrant fascination as it dripped free down the side of his mouth. He wiped it off with the corner of his filthy blanket.   
  
Kurt looked uncomfortable. "Yes, er, well...you have some matters of state to attend to."  
  
"Dawn has not yet broken, numb nuts," Chyna snapped, snuggling back down like a big baked potato. "And you know me, I don't usually rise until late afternoon. How dare you wake me at such an ungodly hour?" She looked at the sundial before realizing there was zero point, then clapped her hand over her mouth. "You've awoken me two hours before I went to bed!"  
  
Hunter scratched his ear. "You're making no sense again."  
  
"I'm the leader of the Triumvirate," Chyna started slowly. "If I say I'm making sense, I AM making fucking sense!" She struggled forward, swimming through the rugs, and pulled forward an empty Steveweiser. Kurt watched her suck on the dregs for a few moments, before snatching it away and looking down upon her like thunder. Chyna's bloodshot blue eyes attempted to focus on the Centurion, but it just wasn't working, and with a tired groan she thrust a bent laurel leaf in her hair and raised a regal arm.  
  
"I now dismiss you Jerky."  
  
"I can't let Rome be ruled like this!" Kurt squealed in horror. Chyna yawned.  
  
"Oh get over it. Rome is just a bunch of ugly men in bed sheets and mini skirts. That's about it." She shot Kurt a dangerous look, and this time he knew the low blow was imminent. He screamed girlishly, rushed through the twin doors of the Senate and slammed them ominously behind him. Chyna looked very self righteous, but her leaf had fluttered to the floor.  
  
***  
  
The next day, X-Pac was hammering on the door as hard as his scrawny wrists would allow. Hunter was almost totally out of it, and sat up pitifully from his blanket pile.  
  
"Get the door Chyna."  
  
"Fuck off golden boy." Chyna's voice came from an oddly shaped lump on the other side of the room. X-Pac knocked again.  
  
"I know you two are in there!" He said, sounding rather imposing and rather like his son Syxx, who was now based in Athens rather than the depths of hell. Chyna grunted in total discomfort as she staggered to the door.  
  
"Don't open it Chy," said Hunter. "He probably wants money again."  
  
"But do we ever give it to him?" Chyna asked sweetly. Hunter looked thoughtful.  
  
"Do we have a choice? All Rome's money went into the beer budget."  
  
"True!" Said Chyna, opening the door. X-Pac stood before her. And he did not look happy.  
  
"We haven't got any money." Said Hunter preemptively. "And I saw a picture of you in an Athenian nudie scroll last night. I'll be having nightmares for weeks."  
  
"I'm sure it was Syxx," Said X-Pac, dismissing Hunter's accusation with a flick of his wrist.   
  
"Sure." Croaked Chyna, breathing in on her opium pipe. "Anyway, what do you want you little weed?"  
  
"Er, about one hundred dinars."  
  
"What?" Chyna demanded, ignoring Hunter's smug 'I-told-you-so' face. X-Pac looked hopeful.  
  
"C'mon, the High Council repossessed the D-Generate Kingdom!" He began to prance about the room. "I'm living in Mr. Asses flower beds!" He flicked a daffodil from his hair to accentuate his meaning. Chyna sighed.  
  
"You can shack up here for one night only, and you sleep in the dirtier side of the room."  
  
X-Pac looked about. "Which side is that?"  
  
Chyna shrugged. "Pick one."  
  
X-Pac stared at Chyna as she cuddled back into her blankets. "It's day time, you know."  
  
"Your point?" Chyna questioned distastefully. "Look, out there. It's LIGHT. Which means sleepy time."  
  
"Then what does night mean?"  
  
"Drinky and passy outty time." Hunter replied.  
  
X-Pac rose to his feet and wandered out towards what appeared to be an auditorium, or at least once was, now it was splattered in filth and scattered alcohol bottles of every description lay strewn along the floor. He gasped. "Chyna, Edge is lying on the floor over here!"  
  
"Well duh," Said Chyna. "He hasn't really moved though since he ate that bad falafel yesterday. I think he may be dead, because he smells like a bad fart, only a fart of epic proportions. Be so kind as to kick him, will you?"  
  
X-Pac stared at Edge, wondering if he did dare to kick him. He was lying in a heap of dirty laundry, using what appeared to be a take away Epic-Mart falafel box as his pillow. His once golden hair now clung to his head in sauce covered dreadlocks, kept in place by some very violated looking laurel leaves. He, like most of the other residents of the Senate, kept a joint tucked securely under his ear. X-Pac found that he was very disturbed by this visual image.  
  
"Um, he's not wearing any pants."  
  
Chyna batted her eyelashes innocently. "Odd."  
  
X-Pac decided to go for it and kicked Edge, who shuddered, yawned and raised his head. "Hey Paccy, is that like...you?" He fossicked around in the box and brought out a two day old piece of pita. "Bitchin'!"  
  
"See how Chyna loves taking in the strays," Muttered Hunter. "That week where the Hardyz were here, that was total hell! They kept on jumping off the roof, they never ate, they never slept, they just threw themselves off that damn roof!"  
  
"That's not totally true. They introduced me to this great new thing called 'speed'." Said Chyna with a broad grin. Hunter shuddered.  
  
"Yeah, like that was fun. You're still catching up on lost sleep after the week long binge on it."  
  
"Well it was fun for ME." Chyna grinned. "I ordered so many Roman invasions and crucifixions that week, it was like all the sunbeams were lolly pops and icecream!" The empress then yawned. "Well, I am still catching up on sleep from it. Night."  
  
"You are so lazy!" X-Pac frowned.  
  
"And?" Chyna questioned from her comfy spot in the filth. She suddenly sat up. "Listen X-Paccy Pac, I'm kinda hungry, kay? I mean, yesterday I had a turnip and a barrel of mead, but I've kind of digested it now, so can you go outside and kill something, huh?" She stuck her bottom lip out as far as it would go. "Pweaseee?"  
  
"And that goes for me too, you positively scrawny bastard." Hunter snorted in warning.  
  
Edge, through a mouthful of old pita, managed to force from his windpipe, "I'm good."  
  
X-Pac grumbled and stomped his left foot irately, then turned on his heel and headed towards the door. "You're lucky it's better here than Billy's, or I would be out of here faster than you can say 'intolerable living conditions'."  
  
"Intolerable living conditions?" Chyna scoffed. "The only thing intolerable here is having to bunk with you three wingnuts."  
  
"I don't know what a 'wingnut' is exactly Chyna, but I still don't appreciate being called one." Hunter stated from his side of the room. Chyna batted her eyelashes innocently.  
  
"I counted X-Pac twice," She turned to said D-Generate. "Now go and kill something, wingnut!"  
  
X-Pac pouted, but complied. It may have been a dump, but it beat Billy's garish hellhole hands down. 


	2. Cramping Chyna's Digs

X-Pac stalked about the main street of Thrace like a keen hunter, grasping at his bow and twitching his left eye insanely to scare the locals. Spying his prey he gave a mighty warcry and rushed forward, shooting down the innocent pigeon and holding it up for all to see.  
  
"X-Pac, how could you?" Came forward a familiar sounding whiny voice. X-Pac spun.  
  
"Kitty?" X-Pac squeaked. "But...I thought you were dead!"  
  
Kitty was standing before X-Pac in all her gory glory. Quite noticeably, her long black hair had been replaced with a butch blond bob (Billy would've been jealous), and was wearing perhaps the ugliest green top and sari hiking shorts combo since that time Kane got drunk and was wearing Aysa's frock, not to mention her underwear too. Well, that was understandable. Ladies underwear could be really quite comfortable.  
  
"Yeah, I kicked it." Said Kitty casually. "But HBK has brought be back from the realm of the dead to cramp Chyna's digs and make her do something about Jericho." She approached X-Pac. "So let's go!"  
  
"Why do these things always happen to me?" X-Pac groaned as Kitty grabbed him with her mendhi painted hand.  
  
***  
  
"Chy-NA!" Kitty cried as she rushed towards the empress of Rome. Chyna froze, her jaw dropped, and then she turned and gave X-Pac an inhumane glare.  
  
"I asked you to get me something to eat. Is this your attempt at some disgusting, nasty, dirty joke?!"  
  
X-Pac held up the skewered pigeon meekly. "Um...nope, here..."  
  
"Oooh, yummy!" Giggled Hunter happily.  
  
"You premeditated this, didn't ya?!" Chyna, who now how her hand firmly around X-Pac's throat, snarled. Kitty stared blankly, the scrunched up her face in anger.   
  
"Chyna, aren't you going to even say hello to me? We haven't seen each other in years!"  
  
"That's because you were de-AD." Chyna retorted, shaking X-Pac like a twisty turny thing.  
  
"And you didn't even bother bringing me back!" Kitty said with a cold note of accusation. "Holy friggen HBK, if it was HHH who kicked it, you would've saved him!"  
  
"Excuse me, he didn't dump me for a skank in red spandex!" Chyna snapped.   
  
"She's right, even I wouldn't go that far." Hunter added.  
  
"Oh, so now I'm the villain am I?" Kitty shrieked, backhanding X-Pac across the back of the head in her anger and flooring him. "Yeah, let's all gang up on the innocent sidekick whom you let die!"  
  
"I didn't let you die," Muttered Chyna. "You merely ate bad garlic bread is all."  
  
Kitty paused. "What?"  
  
"Yeah, I was there." Said Hunter. "Whoever would've thought that garlic and Henbane would be so toxic when consumed together?" He looked forlorn. "And my gods, the smell! We had to burn you and all traces you'd ever existed."  
  
"But you made one bitchin' bonfire." Said Edge. "I got to toast marshmallows!"  
  
Kitty looked very depressed, and hammering X-Pac in the head with her balled fist, she sat in a pile of dirty blankets. "I can't believe I died like that. I thought that Trish had run me through or something!"  
  
"Sorry blondie," Said Hunter. "Fortunately, we were all unaffected as such by your death."  
  
"That's not true." Chyna yawned. "I mourned her for about twelve minutes."  
  
"You complained about the smell for about twelve minutes." Corrected Edge. "Then like totally heaved her into the fire!"  
  
"Whatever!"   
  
"I was the one that got the bad deal," Edge sniffled. "I had to go tell her parents! They're really like, unforgiving people."  
  
"Oh bitch, bitch, bitch." Chyna muttered, snatching the limp pigeon from X-Pac, who had not yet crawled up from the floor. Experience had taught him that if he just laid there they'd lose interest in hitting him eventually.  
  
"Just because you weren't brave enough to see them!" Edge incited.  
  
"Yeah, right." Chyna muttered, plucking the bird. "I'm a busy woman. And I'm also a hungry woman, and a 'I'll-punch-you-in-the-balls-if-you-don't-shut-up' woman." She pulled more feathers out, until a tiny parchment fluttered from the birds leg to the floor.  
  
"Heeeello..." Said Hunter rather creepishly. "Yo 'Pac, you shot down someone's courier!"  
  
"Should've aimed for one with a package." Said Chyna, palming HHH in the forehead and snatching away the tiny piece of papyrus. She read it, scrunched it up in her palm, and rose to her feet. "Okay, Rock's been arrested again. Let's go."  
  
"For the love of evil, fourth time this friggen month!" Hunter muttered. "Why does he always send his one scroll to us?"  
  
Chyna shrugged, then pulled on her knee high leather combat boots and dumped a Centurion helmet on her head. "C'mon let's go, before they recognize him from 'Rome's most wanted'."  
  
"But what if they like, recognize us?" Edge whined.  
"Nah," Said Chyna. "Remember, they recognized us last time we went to bail the dope out."  
  
"Yeah, and you balled that soldier!" Said Hunter.   
"That rocked!" Said Edge.  
  
Kitty said nothing, but it could be noticed that she was giving Chyna a very dark look.  
  
***  
  
As it turned out, Rock had been brought in on prostitution charge this time. Chyna, adjusting her helmet, stared at the former hero through the cold metal bars of his cell.  
  
"Is Rock a whore?" Kitty asked baldly.  
  
"He wishes." Smirked Edge. "Although, the pumps are new. And, is that like, one of Chyna's old spiky bras?"  
  
"Did the Rock say you could speak, bitch?!" Rock demanded from his cell. He seemed to be having a hard time standing on his thigh high, six inch stilettos.  
Chyna leaned against the bars, eyeing Rock.  
  
"That is one of my bras, you know." She looked bored. "So what's your excuse this time?"  
  
"The Rock was starring in a new production of the tragedy 'Jericho and Stratuspatra'. He was laying the smack down on some eunuch ass."  
  
"Sounds like a prostitution racket to me," Said Chyna. "Although, your makeup is great. You really look like Trish."  
  
"The Rock was Jericho!" Rock said, waving his arms about his head. Edge blinked.  
  
"Whoah."  
  
"Explains the wig." Said Hunter, eyeing the blond cascading about Rock's manly shoulders.  
  
"I am not going home with him!" Said X-Pac, looking rather violated.   
  
Chyna grabbed the little green D-Generate by the front of his shirt. "You will, and you'll like it. Hunter, fork over the bail." She paused. "And while you're at it, let's go to the Epic-Mart and spend more of Rome's money, I'm fucking starving!" She released X-Pac.  
  
"For the glory of Rome." Said Hunter, bowing his head solemnly. Kitty rolled her eyes.  
  
"You are SUCH an ass." 


	3. Epic Mart

The six individuals (Rock still in his pumps) stepped into the store, and Hunter grabbed a cart. Chyna immediately strode over to the drinks section, and gestured Hunter follow.  
  
"Chy-NA, we are here to get groceries, not booze!" Kitty snapped.  
  
"Whatever higher being sucked you out of the pits of hell," Chyna started. "They are DEAD!"  
  
Kitty stalked around the Epic-Mart, overwhelmed completely by the lobster section. Grabbing far too many of the sea creatures, she piled them into the trolley, and then narrowed her eyes.  
  
"People are looking at us weird." She growled. "Rock, take off that atrocious outfit."  
  
"The Rock says you can take these lobsters and cram them up your candy ass!" The Rock said irately. Chyna rolled her eyes, swiped a crate of wine and stuffed it under the trolley.  
  
"What is it with the friggen anal fixation?" She muttered to herself.  
  
Edge, who was checking out nudie scrolls at the front of the store, laughed loudly at that comment. Rock spun on him.  
  
"What?!" He demanded.  
  
"Like, totally nothing." Edge replied, toying with a filthy dreadlock.  
  
Kitty chucked a packet of fishcakes on top of her huge supply of lobster, and a bunch of pomegranates on top of these. She then spun on X-Pac. "Take that turkey out of your pants!"  
  
"Turkey?" Said X-Pac, with a suitably guilty look and a large bulge in his left pant leg. "I know of no turkey..."  
  
At the register, Chyna was glaring at Hunter. "Put the candy apple back right now."  
  
"But Chyna..." Hunter whined.  
  
"Now!" She shot a look at Edge. "And that goes for you and your copy of 'Spartan Tits and Ass'."  
  
"Totally not fair!" Edge pouted.  
  
"Put the candy back Hunter," Chyna said again evenly. "I am not paying for it."  
  
For a minute Chyna thought Hunter was going to throw a major tantrum like he often did, but instead he stuck his bottom lip out as far as it would go, stamped his foot (Making his leather pants hug his ass tightly) and put the candy apple back. Chyna sighed, feeling bad she didn't let him have it.  
  
"Okay, you win." Chyna muttered.  
  
"Thanks!" Said Hunter, throwing about ten in the trolley.  
  
"Chy-NA, if he gets a candy apple, then I do too!" Kitty growled, pushing the cart as hard as she could and smacking X-Pac in the back. He fell gracelessly through the register and sprawled on the floor. Chyna looked at the roof innocently.  
  
"No."  
  
Rock came stomping to the register, and stuck a packet of HBK-puffs on the counter. The fruity, puffed balls on the box were almost as colorful as him, and he flipped his blond wig with what looked like pride. Kitty felt strangely mesmerized by his knee high pumps, blond hair, spiked bra and three inches of orange ochre he had piled on his eyelids.  
  
"The Rock likes your hair," Said Rocky, touching Kitty's butch bob. "It's almost the same color as the Rock's eye dye."  
  
"I feel a strange unity with you." Said Kitty, staring at the drag queen. She slapped herself. "Gods, what am I saying?" 


	4. The Slob of Rome

Meanwhile, In other places...  
  
Jericho lounged about on the couch of the hospitable Stratuspatra - who had dropped the whole 'Bitch of Rome and part time Cult leader' status quo and had resigned to being the Egyptian bimbo with loads too much makeup, but, thankfully, minus the red lycra slacks. Blissfully unaware of his role in the new Triumvirate, and the awful, awful state of his once sparkling senate, he slurped up another pre peeled grape in glee.  
  
"Yo, Trish, how about we invade another country, babe?" He called out, grape juice cascading down his chin, and making his new found title, 'The Slob of Rome', highly applicable. He wiped his mouth with his overly sparkly sleeve.  
  
Trish yawned and farted. "Fuck off." Was the reply she shot back.   
  
Well, Jericho HAD been sensing that his pseudo love affair with her had been slowly but surely sliding into a cauldron of shit. It couldn't be his charms that were failing him though. He held himself in the highest possible confidence - and if he wanted Egypt wrapped around his (admittedly girlie) little finger, he was going to have to work harder in wooing her. Or second to that, send an urgent scroll to Chyna telling her to come and lay the smack down. Either way was good, the sex WAS dwindling.  
  
'Dear Chyna,' he visualized the letter in his head. 'I found the blond bitch hiding out in Egypt. Oh, and by 'blond bitch' I mean Trish. Not Billy or anything. Although I could understand how you could make the mistake. Anywho, come kill her now. Ta!'  
  
Well, even in his head the words sounded pretty stupid, but it would do for now. The moment Chyna saw the word 'Trish' she would probably fly into a homicidal rage, punch X-Pac in the back of the head (Well of course) and jump on a barge for Egypt. He giggled to himself in glee, giggled most hard indeedy.  
  
"Oh love muffin...?" Jericho called in the suckiest voice he could muster. "Could you be a dear and send a eunuch?"  
  
"What for?" She demanded roughly.  
  
"Well perhaps I'd like a man's perspective on my outfit!" Jericho lied badly, gesturing, with a sweeping movement of his arm, his sparkly ensemble. Trish snorted.  
  
"Yeah, a eunuch is the only sort of man that'd approve that one."  
  
"And what is that supposed to mean?!" Jericho demanded, getting all loud and in a huff. "Look, just send for a friggen eunuch with a friggen parchment!"  
  
"How would you like to be a eunuch?" Trish drawled in retort.  
  
Jericho leapt to his feet and made a supreme effort not to cry, before storming out of the room, making sure to flip Trish off when he was well out of her visual scope.   
"Bitch!"  
  
"What?!"  
  
"I was talking to myself..." Jericho sniffled.  
  
***  
  
Chyna reclined into her pile of particularly grotty blankets, a Steveweiser in one hand and a half eaten turnip in the other. Kitty sat before her, with a very embittered expression.  
  
"So what bastard of a higher being sucked you out of the abyss of eternal screaming and considerable discomfort?" Chyna questioned in a flat tone. Kitty looked deeply, deeply offended.  
  
"HBK." She replied, a feral look on her face.  
  
"Ah," Said Chyna, lifting up her Chakram from her robes, flinging it over her head, and destroying the life size golden standee of Shawn that was gracing one of the less dirty corners of the Senate. She caught it and said, "Well what an asshole he is. X-Pac, pass me a copy of that 'Religion weekly'. Perhaps it's not too late to convert to Hestianism."  
  
"Ya gotta be a virgin for that one." Kitty spat.  
Chyna looked affronted. "And who say's I'm not, huh?"  
  
"Well, not anyone who wants to keep his testicles," Said X-Pac, looking forlorn. Hunter snorted loudly, adding his two cents. Chyna narrowed her eyes at Hunter, before unrolling the parchment testily.   
  
"And why did he see it necessary to dump you back into my life?" She growled, her tone like ice. Kitty leapt to her feet, and stomped a sandal covered foot irately.  
  
"To make you get off your ass and do something about Jericho's absence!"  
  
"Nah, he just wants me to organize more 'Cult of HBK' Epic Mart appearances." Said Chyna. She pulled out a rather thick looking scroll. "The whole novel thing wasn't that much of a success either. 'Trish Stratus: Her life as a dog. A Gripping Tale by HBK.'"  
  
"Cheer up Chyna," Said Edge. "I like, THOUGHT of what it would be like to own a copy."  
  
"Plus," said X-Pac. "Billy bought heaps of them! All these tips on how to properly decorate a crucifixion with the help of the color yellow." X-Pac shuddered. Yellow.  
  
"You've got to go to Egypt!" Kitty interjected loudly. "Your Empire is going to crumble! As we speak, Jericho is embezzling Rome's money on expensive wines, grape peeling eunuchs and a new sparkly wardrobe!"  
  
"And what do you THINK we're spending our money on?" Chyna questioned, kicking an empty Steveweiser around with the toe of her leather boot. "Hospitals? Roads? The prevention of syphilis?!"  
  
Hunter attempted to stifle a giggle.  
  
"And yet still, still, we manage to govern this shithole country better than Booker T. Caesar...without even residing in the country!"  
  
"I've become the pin up boy for governmental bodies people would most like to grope." Said Hunter proudly. "I am SO the Game."  
  
"And I get to live on the floor, like, rent free." Said Edge, chewing on a turnip mightily. "So quit your bitchin'."  
  
"I hate you all!" Kitty squealed, storming out of the room. A lump underneath the filth stirred, and Rock's head emerged.  
  
"What was all that about?" He questioned sleepily. "The Rock is trying to rest the people's eyes. The Rock NEEDS his beauty sleep, you jabronies!"  
  
"You'd need a couple of years worth!" Kitty shrieked irately from beyond the room. "Let your empire crumble! LET Jericho bonk Trish Stratus! See if I CARE!"  
  
Chyna paused, and her gaze grew dark. "Did she just say what I thought she said?" X-Pac sighed, rose to his feet, and allowed Chyna to punch him. "Fucking Jericho!!!" 


	5. War, What is it Good For?

The bay was choppy at midday; Chyna strode down the dock self importantly, with a look that could be described only as really scary. If Hunter wasn't evil himself, it might have even freaked him out. X-Pac trailed behind at a distance which he believed safe, but when Chyna was in a mood like this, nothing was certain, and seeming he had become a sort of 'punching bag' of Rome - he was kind of thankful of the existence of Syxx, considering how many low blows he had been dealt throughout the long, arduous and alcohol splattered years. And Syxx, he couldn't deny, was a few Steveweisers short of a sixpack, what with all the attempted world domination and rampant killing and all. He liked to put it down to his son's mother rather than his own testicular traumas...that and the fact if he even attempted to sue Chyna for damages the chances of him ever procreating again would be severely endangered.  
  
"On the ship." Chyna ordered in a flat tone. Noting Rock's difficulty with his amazing heels, she planted the toe of her boot into his crotch with less proficiency than was normal for her; still, Rock made a pathetic squeaking noise and staggered into the hold. X-Pac gulped, placing a hand on the hilt of his sword, fully aware it would achieve nothing, and shuffled after the violated queen. Edge loped in enthusiastically after the little green D-Generate, leaving Chyna, Hunter and Kitty standing on the jetty; Chyna noted that the look Kitty was giving her current sidekick was nothing short of murderous...a look which doubled in intensity when Hunter leaned towards Chyna and whispered conspiratorially, "Did you plant the garlic bread?"  
  
"I heard that." Kitty forced through clenched teeth. Chyna sighed and flicked Hunter in the head, more softly than she'd usually flick someone she deemed a weed. Still, HHH rubbed his head and looked injured.  
  
"Be nice." She growled in warning. Hunter pouted, which softened her expression a little. Now she looked conspiratorial, and hissed, "I'll let you spike Rock's HBK-Puffs, 'kay?"  
  
Hunter beamed, pulling out his tiny bag of Henbane. "Bitchin'!"  
  
***  
  
Jericho tapped his fingers on the marble finish of Trish's dining table; the letter had been sent, and now all he need do was wait for Chyna's quasi heroic presence - a bitch fight would no doubt acrimoniously follow, and Egypt would be his. Or theirs. Well, whatever. He actually was kind of hoping that Chyna would come charging through said doors soon, as these political dinners were so boring; with a sigh, he slurped up another quail.  
  
"So, Rome want audience with huns?" Grunted Tazilla the Hun, whom was sitting opposite to the sparkly one. Jericho looked positively bored.  
  
"Yes." He replied sharply.  
  
What was wasn't expecting, however, was the good ambassador to lunge across the dining table (Sending ministers sprawling), armed with a toasting fork. Jericho squealed girlishly, breaking Trish's concentration, as she was peeling a small pile of grapes. She looked up at him, seething through her eyeshadow.  
  
"Shut up."  
  
"Excuse me, you're not the one who is being assaulted by the dinner guests!"  
  
"So live with it!"  
  
"You are such a..."  
  
Jericho would've finished with something witty, if not catty, when a sharp hammering of the dining room doors interrupted him. A leather combat boot came sailing neatly through that door, followed by the very pissed off Warrior Woman connected to it. Jericho made a sound that sounded suspiciously like a giggle.  
  
"Chyna! You got my scroll!" He grinned briefly; then noticed the Rock struggling through the debris, and looked a tad unsettled. "And you...brought me a new eunuch."  
  
"Shut your mouth!" The Rock ordered.  
  
Edge's filthy head poked round the remains of the door; by now, several ministers were edging towards the further end of the dining table. "Is this like, a party?" He asked.  
  
There was a tense silence for a moment, before Jericho picked up a salver of small pasties and held it up. "Nibblies, anyone?"  
  
Of course, what he did not expect was Chyna closing in on him, smacking the tray from his hands (Causing pastries to rain down on the congregation) and without so much as a warning closing her hand around his manly package. She squeezed, and Jericho opened his mouth to girlie scream; Chyna scooped up the Hun peace treaty and forced it into his mouth.  
  
"Now chew."  
  
Even Tazilla made no move to prevent the legal documents destruction as Jericho did so painfully, swallowed, and girlie screamed yet again; one that caused the disruption of Trish's fascination for her grape peeling. She eyed Chyna dangerously.  
  
"Is there a problem?" She growled coldly. Jericho nodded, his face sucked in like a lemon and beaming with sweat; Chyna snarled and tightened her grasp, and Jericho shook his head rapidly. At this point Hunter and X-Pac entered the room; Hunter stared at the scene before him; X-Pac looked rather embarrassed.  
  
"Chyna," Hunter began carefully. "Are you clutching at our fellow consul's hoo hoo dilly?"  
  
The Warrior Woman nodded enthusiastically; Jericho, at last, managed to speak.  
  
"Chy," He forced out. "You're severely restricting the flow of future Emperors to come..."  
  
"Dude!" Edge added his opinion baldly. Chyna rolled her eyes and finally let go, now turning her attentions to the head of the table where Trish sat. She looked feral.  
  
"She didn't get my scroll," Jericho gasped, sliding under the table gracelessly. "She didn't get my fucking scroll...who tipped her off? Who tipped her fucking off?!"  
  
Kitty was the last to enter the dining hall; Jericho emitted his third scream of the evening, and began to crawl feebly away - unfortunately, Chyna leveled him with a kick to the ass that harkend back to the first Olympiad. He fell awkwardly across the floor, clutching his ass with a dumfounded look.  
  
"I thought she was dead!" He whimpered piteously. Chyna rolled her eyes.  
  
"I am friggen aware of everyone's unregistered shock at the return of miss Henbane, thank you very much. Believe me, she'll be returning to the chasm of death, damnation and bad fashion very soon."  
  
"Whaddaya mean, bad fashion?" Kitty demanded, sweeping her arm across her outfit. "I'll have you know this look is incredibly popular with the cult of Jericho!"  
  
"There is no way I would endorse that!" Jericho squealed in retort, continuing his slow crawl towards the door. "Now, back to Rome, uh, Thrace, shall we?"  
"Not so fast," Chyna said, grasping his whirlypeg hair and wrenching him to his feet. Slamming him back down into his seat with the aid of her arm, she approached Trish.  
"Well, at least she totally lost the spandex," Edge mumbled.  
"There's enough atrocious fashion in here to make up for it." Hunter snorted, eyeing Kitty, then Rock. He then pushed past the small group standing before the table. "Excuse me, seriously evil sidekick coming through."  
  
"He's swell," Chyna said earnestly. She turned to Trish. "I'm so declaring war on your ass."  
  
"Uh, Chyna, not a good move..." Jericho whined out, looking about the room like a frightened rodent. Chyna exhaled sharply, took firm grasp of his overtly sparkly shirt, and shook him, she shook him roughly.  
  
"When I want your opinion, you whore of Rome, I will fucking ASK FOR IT." She finished shaking him, and left him slump to the table, his hair dreadfully misplaced.  
  
"You want war?" Trish snarled, rising to her feet and banging balled fists on the table. "You've GOT war."  
  
"Well...good!" Chyna replied, pulling out her sword, taking grasp of the Egypt Roman peace treaty that was lying on the table, and forcing it into Jericho's hands. "Eat this."  
  
"Chyna," Jericho barely whispered. "I think we should be...leaving now."  
  
"Eat it!"  
  
Trish eyed Chyna savagely, then pulled out her sword. "Guards!"  
  
"Shit." Chyna muttered , looking deflated, as Tazilla the Hun came soaring towards her, his large thighs which jutted from his oh-so brief loin cloth wobbling dangerously. All suspected it would be the chakram that stopped him, but it was a lethal metal serving plate that came whizzing towards the hun, collecting him mid air and sending him crashing into the wall. A piece of cucumber slid down his cheek lazily as he lay sprawled on the floor. Chyna turned to her sidekick.  
  
"Hey, nice shot."  
  
Hunter blushed, then eyed Kitty with a look of supreme superiority. "Beat that, blondie."  
  
Kitty scowled broadly, and moved to smack Hunter, but the enormous battalion of palace security piling into the room managed to distract her long enough to allow Chyna's current sidekick to flee towards the door. Chyna looked less than pleased, and charged out the room, grabbing X-Pac by the hair as she did so. Rock kicked off his heels and ran with wild abandon next to Kitty, her blond bob jiggling as she tore down the halls.  
"Homage to the Roman dudes!" Edge howled, following sharply, his dreadlocks streaking behind him like filthy, sauce covered comets. Chyna turned and looked behind her with a look of rabid fury.  
  
"This doesn't mean I'm any less at war with you!"  
  
"Skank!" X-Pac added.  
  
"Don't leave me Chyna!" Jericho wailed, staggering from the dining hall looking very disheveled indeed. He skidded towards the doors, flung them open, and staggered into the night, Trish close on his heels... 


	6. Like, is This a Party?

Chyna was barely moved by the loss of Jericho in their mad escape, and powering across the cool sand in the moonlight, wondered if the whole Triumvirate gig was ever actually going to work. Kitty, not surprisingly, was right by her side, Hunter trailing looking rather bitter.   
  
"Chy-NA," Kitty began. "Don't you think it was just a little stupid to declare war on Egypt? Now, HBK sent me down here to cramp your digs, it was not permission for you to start declaring war on every political body you came across..."  
  
"Your presence here is enough to make me want to, oh I don't know, declare war on the whole world, maybe!" Chyna shrieked, uncharacteristically fumbling over her own words. She looked down at Kitty like thunder.  
  
"Anger management, Chy-NA..." Kitty squeaked. "Kick Trish's ass..."  
  
"Oh I shall, there will be much kicking off ass and blasting of countries off the map..." Chyna scowled, eyeing the congregation huddled around her.  
  
"The perks are so totally perky." Edge commented. "What's Egypt done for me lately?"  
  
"Damn right," Chyna growled, before suddenly pausing. Grabbing Edge by one arm and Kitty by the other, she dragged them towards a nearby cactus. Hunter, Rock and X-Pac quickly took her lead, and they all squatted uncomfortably behind the desert flora.  
  
"Is that...is that Trish stalking our fellow consul?" Hunter requested, eyeing Jericho wandering haplessly. Chyna's had a very grim smile on her face. Kitty poked her head around from where she was squatting next to Chyna, and wrinkled her nose as if she had eaten something distasteful.  
  
"What is WITH Jericho's shirts? Could anyone kind of inform him that they're massively gay?"  
  
"The Rock thinks that that roody poo candy ass is more womanly than Chyna!"  
  
X-Pac and Edge simultaneously cringed and awaited Chyna's retaliation. But Chyna simply shrugged. "They're right."  
  
Kitty scrunched her face up. "Then why in the name of the Infinite Love are we all hiding behind a friggen cactus?!"  
  
Chyna pointed straightforwardly. "Because the skank is gonna kill him."  
  
"Ah," Said Hunter knowingly, watching Trish maneuver herself towards Jericho. "Should be a good show!"  
  
***  
  
Jericho felt the bitchslap strike him in the chest and momentarily thought that he was being attacked by Chyna, but a glimpse of blond hair convinced him otherwise. Instinctively he thought 'Billy', but realized that it was Trish Stratuspatra who had caught up with him this time. Chyna strode out from behind her cactus.  
  
"Hit him harder!" She ordered. "Put some effort in it!"  
  
"How dare you?!" Trish demanded, backhanding Jericho and sending him soaring. "How dare you insinuate that I don't know how to beat up Jericho?"  
  
"Now dance, dance like a bitch!"   
  
"I am the Queen," Trish spat. "I am NOT dancing. And what the fuck are you doing hiding behind the cacti of Egypt?! We're at fucking war!"  
  
It was at this point that Jericho's fist met up speedily with Trish's nose. It was a bad mistake on his part, as an angry Trish is a lethal Trish. She grabbed him by the arm and swung him towards where Chyna stood; Chyna turned somewhat sluggishly on her heel and made an attempt to run, but alas, it was futile; Jericho collected the Empress of Rome and they both went hurtling down an enormous sand dune, barreling down in a whirlish dervish of leather and sparkles and hitting the ground in one final, chaffing assault.   
  
"I hate you!" Jericho squealed. Noticing Chyna's glare, he added, "I was talking to Trish."  
  
Chyna grabbed his collar and pulled him close, her teeth clenched in anger. Her eyes flickered upwards to the peak of the hill, and hauling Jericho and herself to her feet, she managed to force from her windpipe, "Hunter, fucking defend the Triumvirate!" She then palmed Jericho in the forehead for good measure.  
  
"It's almost like they're married..." Hunter muttered to himself, turning towards Trish and cracking his knuckles. Trish pouted cattily, and leveling Hunter with an almighty kick to the balls, she disappeared into the night; X-Pac and Edge very hurriedly cleared a path for her, looking particularly strained as they did so.   
  
Hunter sobbed, and at the bottom of the dune, it could be clearly seen that Chyna and Jericho were having some sort of stand off. Chyna's middle finger was as much in Jericho's face as Jericho's was in hers; Hunter managed to crawl painfully to his feet, and with utter gracelessness, slid down the sandy peak on his ass.  
  
"Guys, calm down, it's unseemly for Rome to behave like this," Hunter said pleadingly. Chyna scowled, and caught Jericho in an inhumane looking nipple gripple. A girlie scream escaped his lips and echoed around the desolate landscape. It was a spectacular audio.  
  
"That's like, inhuman!" Edge called.  
  
"Chyna, stop!" Hunter squealed. He too, received the same treatment, and began to wail.  
  
"I wanna defect to Egypt..." An obviously suicidal X-Pac said forlornly. Edge winced as both Hunter and Jericho shrieked again.  
  
"Dude..." He stated in a philosophical tone.  
  
Kitty stared at the heavens. "Where is your infinite love!?" 


End file.
